Donna wandered the corridors of the TARDIS. They were floating in the Vortex while Vairë performed some repairs. Or at least, that’s what the blonde had claimed she needed to do. Donna, her own sharp intelligence heightened by the lessons given her via telepathy, knew that the TARDIS was not in need of repairs. Further, she had a feeling that Vairë was hiding away from everyone, trying to keep her grief and mourning secret. In part, the temp from Chiswick would understand and even sympathize with that. She had never married – Lance had soured her on the idea for a long time – and she’d certainly never had any children. But then, Vairë had never married and never had children either. Jenny was…well, it wasn’t as if Vairë was a traditional mother. But then, she had seemed to have the same kind of maternal instincts Donna had seen in her friends who had children.
Whatever it was, Vairë needed company. She didn’t need to lock herself away with her grief. Donna had seen her once before struggling to hide her emotions and if it hadn’t been for the red head yelling at Vairë that she could stop, that she needed to move then the blonde might very well have stood there and let herself be crushed and drowned by the Thames. There might not be a river in the TARDIS but if Donna didn’t do something and do it soon, the magnitude of Vairë’s emotions might crush the woman just as hard. A gentle hum in her mind told Donna that the TARDIS agreed with her assessment. The corridor vanished, replaced by a single door. Donna pushed it open and gasped in shock. It was…well “amazing” hardly seemed to cover it.
“What is this place?” she wondered aloud. The room seemed vast – the door behind Donna vanishing as soon as it closed. She stood out in the midst of space itself, surrounded by inky blackness. Galaxies swirled and danced around her. Nebulae washed over her. She could almost feel Time itself moving majestically through this impossible room.
“This is where I come to think, sometimes,” Vairë’s voice replied. “The Doctor – the Time Lord I traveled with oh so very long ago – he had his Gallifreyan gardens. I have this.”
“This is…I don’t think there are words in existence to describe what this is. It’s like what God might see if He stepped into the universe.”
“I don’t know about what God would see,” Vairë said pleasantly, “but it is a nice place to get a perspective on things. Standing here, I can feel just how tiny and insignificant but rare and precious we all are. Jenny…” Vairë sniffed, swallowing a sob. “Jenny would have loved this room.”
“Yeah,” Donna sighed. “She would have.”
“I miss my baby,” Vairë sobbed. “I’d never thought I would ever have children…and then she stepped out of that machine. I don’t care if she was a generated anomaly. I don’t care if she had no proper father. She was my daughter! My baby girl! I was going to show her the universe! I was going to show her all of time and space. I was going to take her to the Tol Eressëa. Koschei would have loved her. I would have ripped open the Void to take her to see her Gran in Pete’s World. Anything she wanted, I would have given to her. But they took her from me! She died in my arms before she even had a chance to live, Donna! Tell me how is that fair? She was just getting started in her life. And they took her from me!” Vairë wept. “They took her from me! She’s taken a path that I can’t follow. She’s gone somewhere that neither I nor the TARDIS can visit. How in hell is that fair? I’m her mother, Goddammit all. I am her mother!”
“You were, Vairë. You were,” Donna said softly, wrapping her arms around the other woman and letting the blonde sob against her shoulder. “You were the best mother she could have ever had.”
“D’you know what’s really crazy?” Vairë asked brokenly, swiping at her face with her arms. Donna shook her head. “I could almost for a moment tell myself that she was the Doctor’s daughter, too. That she was our daughter. Our beautiful little girl. I could see him standing there, proud as Lucifer himself, teaching her all kinds of things. All three of us, together. A family. But he left me, Donna. I wasn’t good enough for him. I’ll never be good enough for him. Just like I wasn’t good enough to be Jenny’s mum. That’s why they took her from me! Because I didn’t deserve her. I’ll never deserve anything but death! That’s our freedom!” Vairë shouted, remembering the Beast in the pit on Krop Tor. “Free to die!”
Donna jerked back. She could feel something washing over Vairë and it terrified her. She could hear the voices shouting at the woman as some kind of maelstrom swept the blonde up, shaking her violently like a rag-doll, not letting her go for a moment.
Stupid ape! Not my Rose! Something cold and dark! Child! Monster! Something that shouldn’t exist! Cold and dark! Just a serving girl! Nothing! Nothing! NOTHING!
Warmer voices, some of them familiar, tried to break through the tempest. “That sounds good… You’re the best friend I’ve ever had. The things you’ve shown me, the things I’ve learned traveling with you…they mean the world to me…You’re wonderful, Rose-a-lee. Never forget that…No one even stopped to thank you for what you did. But I am. Thanks, Vairë. Thanks for saving all our lives. Thanks for being the wonderful person you are. You mum…God, she must be so proud of you…I’m coming to get you, Rose…”
Vairë thrashed in the midst of the storm surrounding her. Her fingers clawed at her face. She screamed in part denial and part despair. Donna stood helpless, watching the other woman struggle against an enemy that she couldn’t fight. Finally, whatever it was the held Vairë in thrall seemed to let go. The young blonde collapsed in front of her. Donna gathered her up in her arms and half-dragged, half-carried her out of the room that overlooked the universe.
~*~*~*~
Days later, Vairë recovered her strength. That was the first psychic storm she’d had in many years. The first since Koschei had captured her. She shook, still, her body weak from the emotional onslaught. Her brother had warned her that only the Doctor could break her free of those storms entirely. Until she was able to find him and convince him to cure her, it would take all of her not inconsiderable strength just to weather them. Vairë sighed as she took a shower and then dressed in her normal armor. Losing Jenny…her precious daughter…had undone the shields enough for the storm to break free. Even now, it took much of her focus on the good things, on the good memories, to keep the storm from washing over her again.
“I can’t break down now,” Vairë spat to her hated reflection in the mirror. Would she never age? “I can’t. I have to train Donna. Once Donna’s training is done and she’s bonded to her own TARDIS…then I can go insane. Then I can die.”
Don’t die, sister, the TARDIS begged. Don’t go where I can’t follow. Don’t leave me alone like the Doctor did. I need you, Rose. I need you!
“I’m so tired, sister. I’m so tired. They took my daughter from me. They killed your niece. I…I don’t want to keep going, Maggie. I just want to sleep. Forever.”
I know, sister. I know. You’ve been so strong, so brave, for so long. But…I’m selfish. I don’t want you to go yet. I want you to stay with me. One day, we’ll go to that place you dream of, that place of white sands in the distant west. That place of song and rest. We’ll go together. But not yet, sister. Not yet.
“When the time comes,” Vairë whispered softly. “When it comes, we go together, yeah? You promise?”
I swear it, my sister and my other self. I swear it, the TARDIS vowed calmly.
Vairë nodded as she finished dressing for the next adventure. She wouldn’t die yet. But…when the time came, she’d give herself over to it. She and her sister…they would go where her daughter waited for them. For now, she had to finish training Donna Noble. Only after that was done could Vairë seek the rest she had desired for so many, many years. The rest…and the dreams of the Doctor that had shattered in front of her like a mirror.